Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Who needs a husband?

A New York Times article reprinted in yesterday's Observer highlighted what many of my friends and I already knew: More American women are living without a husband than with one.
One of the factors the story cited was that women are marrying later or living with unmarried partners.

I think more women realize they don’t need to be hemmed up with a dude to be happy, and they’re also willing to wait for the right man before they get married.

An unscientific survey at Fox & Hound in Ballantyne last night confirmed my suspicion.

I talked to three women, all in their 20s, and all unmarried. Two said they couldn’t find a good guy, and that most of the guys they met were jerks. Another woman said she has no desire to get married now. She said when a boyfriend's hinted at marriage, she told him to slow down.

In this week's That’s Wassup! column, we will look at this topic some more, and I introduce you to three women who are unmarried and aren’t willing to lower their standards just to be married.
In the meantime, why do you think fewer women are married? Post your replies below.

30 comments:

Kevin Vigaturlino said...

Just because you hate men and/or wish you had a penis, doesn't mean all women do.

Pretty ironic this man-bashing is coming from a woman who looks, sounds, and talks like a 14 black boy.

You also seem to do most of your "research" talking to women who have nothing better to do than hang out in a bar most nights after work. Ever thought for a minute that these are women that no "good men" are interested in.... since they are hanging out in some smoking dank pub most evenings. I mean, if they're truly interested in meeting a nice man, what are they doing at the Fox and the Hound??? Do they honestly think theyre going to bump into Prince Charming at Grand Central?? Give me a break.

It stands to reason that most men they're going to meet will be "jerks", if they're meeting them in bars.

Solid reasoning pretty much blows apart this entire burning question of yours.

Although in response to your query why most women aren't married is that the ones that aren't already married by their late 20s are usually undesirable for one clear-cut reason or another. They're either unattractive, have too much baggage (kids,psycho ex-boyfriends) aren't financially independent, or have mental health problems such as bipolar disorder, and sometimes they are just plain bitches.

Two sides to every story T-Jizzle, and we always only hear the same old one side from you.

If you really wanted more accurate,real world, clinical results doing this 'research' you'd realize that not everybody spends all their free time hanging around in bars, and maybe talk to some people who are a little more proactive about their personal lives, rather than leaving it up to Miller Lite, Jagermeister, and some fat bald guy's Karaoke machine.

You, your blog, charlotte.com, and the Observer need to get real, seriously. This is just plain pathetic.

and thats WASSUP!

Anonymous said...

Well, I'm told that I"m attractive, funny, etc and all the guys I meet just want to hook up. Guys do not ask girls out anymore. I haven't had a guy ask me out on a real date with at least one days notice in more then a year. They just want to run into you out and then "hook up." I cant even figure out how women get men to the alter when I cant get them to McDonalds.

Anonymous said...

Wow, Kevin! Did you even read the article? If not, I suggest you go back and do so.
http://www.charlotte.com/mld/charlotte/living/16482393.htm

By your description and the statistics 51% of all women are either "unattractive, have too much baggage (kids,psycho ex-boyfriends) aren't financially independent, or have mental health problems such as bipolar disorder, and sometimes they are just plain bitches." My how in the world then did you get so lucky to find your perfect spouse? You must be really special. (note sarcasm)

Women are waiting longer to get married because they can. No longer is it a necessity for women to get married at the age of 18. Women today are financially independent as well as emotionally independent and don't need "security" - they are making their own "security".

I have known a lot of women who were married directly out of high school and never had a chance to experience life and now here they are in their 30's divorced with kids and miserable because they don't know what to do. I've also known women who were in their 30's who are getting married for the first time and their marriages are built around love and honor as opposed to social norms.

Kevin, I would hope you really take a moment to read the article and understand that women who aren't married straight out of high school are doing so, in spite of people like you.

and that is really WASSUP!

Anonymous said...

^^^not married,cant find a woman^^^

Anonymous said...

Kevin,

Why are you so mad? Whats wrong buddy?

Anonymous said...

amen!

Anonymous said...

That is one of the reasons this world is so much worse than it was 30 years ago.

Pray for this world!

Clay said...

I agree (somewhat) with Kevin, but I will approach the debate from a less-angry, more-frustrated-with-the-whole-situation angle.

There are PLENTY of "good men" out here. (Most if not all of my friends, including women, consider me a "good man". I make a good living, I'm intelligent, considerate, and witty, and I have respect for women... maybe TOO much.) Part of the problem, at least as far as my personal experience goes, is that too many women SAY they are looking for a GM, but then they pass right over us (even when they acknowledge that we are what they're looking for) and persist in going out with the "bad boy"/"outlaw biker"... and then they complain to us that the whole BB/OB thing didn't work out for them. What I am thinking every time I hear this complaint: "Gee, really?"

Just a hint for some of you ladies out there: The guy whose shoulder you're constantly crying on about other men, but whom you've never deigned worthy of dating? The guy whom you think of as "safe" or whom you describe as "like a brother"? Maybe you should consider going out with him. Even better, don't wait for him to ask YOU out... you should ask HIM out, because he may have pretty much written himself off as having a chance with you a long time ago and now he's resigned himself to just being friends.

So: All you women who are looking for good men... We're here. Just give us a chance next time we ask you out on a date.

Anonymous said...

Stay single! Because divorce is so expensive!!! The only good reason to get married (legally) is if you can get medical coverage under your spouse.

Anonymous said...

Most of my women friends say they want a "Good Guy" but, they always seem to want the "Bad Boy" who treats them like a hooker and only wants them when his night of drinking at some bar is done.

There are a lof of "Good Guys" out there. Most women are just to superficial to do what it takes to find and keep the "Good Guy"!

Anonymous said...

I agree with anonymous from 9:36...I think men just have so much access to the random 'hook up' these days that it has taken the place of dating. Without communication, who knows if your 'friend' just wants to be a FWB or if he really thinks you two are dating. My girlfriends and I have these conversations every week about the men we are 'dating.' Often times it is just that, dating, which may or may not turn into a more serious relationship. How you react to it all depends on where you are in life and what you are looking for. Not every women is holding their breath waiting for just 'some' guy to propose...we want more and deserve more. We CAN take care of ourselves these days. That doesn't mean we don't also want to settle down at some point, but with the RIGHT guy, not just ANY guy.

There was another article yesterday talking about why men are waiting to get married. One of the reasons they cited was that they can get a casual hook up basically whenever they want, so why tie down with one women. Is this really true? If so, shame on the promiscuous women out there who don't have enough self-respect/self worth and just give it up thinking it could turn into something more, but then whine the next morning about how they feel used and can't find a good man. Honestly, their random hook up from the bar likely has little to no intention of actually seriously dating (them or often anyone for that matter). There are good men out there, and to Clay, sometimes we do figure that out sooner or later. Perhaps you should ask them out (your female friends who turn to you) if you are interested...women (at least Southern women) for the most part, like for you to make the first move. If they really just want to be friends, then accept that and be a great friend.

Oh, and sure...the bad boys are a challenge and fun, but in the long run, not what most woman are ultimately looking for to settle down with.

That's my soapbox for the morning. This column seems to have sparked a lively discussion...oh and Kevin...whoever burned you, I'm sorry, but dude...get over it. I agreed with some of your points but your speculation on why women aren't married is ridiculous. That's a myopic BS point of view in my opinion (though from your attack on Tanya, may be just how you are). A lot women aren't married because they are dating the guys with the same issues you describe as theirs (baggage, psycho, bipolar, alcoholics, etc...) or because they are actually happy with their lives with or without marriage. Sometimes we also enjoy casual dating: it doesn't always have to lead to a walk down the aisle. When women are ready (whether they are 18, 28, 38, 48) to settle down, just like men, we'll do it on our time, not when society deems it necessary.

Anonymous said...

I appreciate Clay's comments. I married a "bad boy" the first time, and learned my lesson. The next time, I married a good man. Clay, he's the type you sound like, he was every woman's best friend ... but still available at 40. He is a great husband, and the best father that a woman could want. I think many ladies are waiting longer because they don't want to do what I did and make a mistake the first time. As Kevin's comments show, there's a lot of emotion associated with dating, and sometimes it's just easier to give it a rest. I think there are a lot of women who would like to get married ultimately, but they support themselves, and so it's a choice, and not a necessity.

Anonymous said...

You are right Clay! I always went for the Bad boy. Then one day I looked at my best guy friend in a whole new light. We have been married for 14 years and have three kids.

Anonymous said...

Aw, Kevin. Sorry about your erectile dysfunction.

What a catch you must be!

Clay said...

To 12:08: Sounds like I'm pretty much in the same boat... 38 and single. I don't attend church (except at the holidays), so that's one avenue of meeting a "good girl" in Charlotte that's basically eliminated. (Besides, I'd feel a real hypocrite if I went to church just to meet women. I know that's part of the modus operandi in Charlotte, but it's not for me.) Dating coworkers is tough and causes all sorts of problems. And the women I meet outside of work are, for the most part, all claiming to be looking for good guys while at the same time going out with guys who are alcoholics, perpetual frat boys, drug users, one-night-standers, etc.

For my part, I know *I'm* OK because my female friends who are married or otherwise taken are always trying to set me up with their single friends... unfortunately, it seems like most of the women who are single and age-appropriate for me are single at that age for a good reason.

I hate to say it, but I feel like I'm approaching a point where I'm not even going to WANT to get married. (Ironically, I'm sure that as soon as I make a decision like that, suddenly I'll be irresistible.) Even if I met that perfect girl tomorrow, I'd be married at 40 and in my late 50s by the time any kids graduated from high school... and I'm not sure I want to be in that boat.

Anonymous said...

I think saying that women are CHOOSING to not be married is a crock. There are a couple main reasons why there are more unmarried women today. First is that when a couple divorces the guy generally gets the shaft. She gets the kids, he gets child support payments. So she has this "who needs a husband" attitude at first, and usually thinks all men are bad because it did not work out with her man. Then later she realizes life is really better with a husband but cannot find one because she is getting older (and so are her kids) and usually she is still bitter. Those are major turn-offs to marriage minded men.

Then you have the women who say "who needs a husband" and have kids on their own. This is becoming more common....go to a clinic or doctor's office and get knocked up with a turkey baster. Usually these are women who have unresolved Daddy issues. They view their Dad as a jerk (or did not have one) so they feel their child does not need a Dad and try to be a parent solo. Problem is that's a selfish attitude and they deny their child a father because of their own issues. God forbid they have a daughter...as the odds go way up she'll end up dancing 'round a pole or selling her body for drug money. Then these women realize parenting is a two-person job and try to find a husband but again they have kids and their Daddy-issue baggage so they can't get a good man.

The REAL proof women are not "choosing" to stay unmarried is this:
How many women do you know who actually turned down a marriage proposal? I bet most people could not name 3 women...or even one. If women are unmarried it is not by choice. It's usually that they have not been asked. Hardly their choice.

We've got the Sex and the City generation of women. Their battle cry is "I'm independent" which usually translates as "I'm insecure". And as for those never married women who say they are not ready.....usually they are starved for attention from multiple men - so they stay in the dating pool. Then they wake up one day and realize no guy wants to marry someone who has slept with half the town.
Nowadays a man is expected to be a good husband. But most women do not want to be a good wife.

Kevin Decker said...

Kudos to the women who are waiting to get married! I think they're to be commended for taking time to figure out who they really want to spend the rest their life with.

I only hope that they are being just as thoughtful about having children. Children do best when they are raised in two parent families.

I do wonder about the phrase "hemmed up with a dude." I don't know that getting married to the right guy, for the right reasons, and spending time together working on the marriage to get it right is necessarily getting "hemmed up."

The benefits of healthy, long term marriages are well documented. Women, as well as men, love longer, are wealthier, and have better sex.

Ladies, take your time to get it right. Just know that the work is just beginning, and so are the rewards.

Anonymous said...

anonymous @ 3:25 - are you serious? I'm curious as to what makes you the psychological expert on the 'why' here. Unresolved daddy issues, give me a break. It's healthier for a child to be raised by a responsible single mother (if she so chooses) than with a dad around who will cause the kid 'daddy issues' one day. I'm not advocating it necessarily, of course it should be easier with 2 parents in the house, but to claim all single mothers have unresolved daddy issues or whatever is ridiculous.

And just because a woman is happy with casual dating (not saying casual hook-ups) it doesn't make her less desirable or a bad future wife. Geez, isn't that what its all about-finding the right person to settle down with. How many people do you know married their first boyfriend or girlfriend...and how many of those marriages lasted? Of course women want to be a good wife, that's why they take their time to find the right man. It's hard to be a good wife to the wrong guy (am I right...anyone who's been divorced will back me up on that one).

sharon said...

Would someone please pass the popcorn?

tomaisin said...

Major kudos to Clays comments. I have lost count of the times women friends have come to me and cried at my kitchen table about how their "BF doesnt appreciate/encourage/understand/listen/yada yada yada them". Only to hug me at the end, thank me for being a good friend and go back to the very person they spent 3 hours crying and moaning about.
Be careful of joining any singles groups at a church. Most are lead only by married couples who have been married since college telling the singles that they need to be "content in their singleness". KMA!!!
I am a handsome man of 40 who has made something of my life on my own and want to share it with someone, but that someone needs to deserve it (ie : have the mental and emotional maturity to know what a real relationship is about). If I have to be an a**hole to get a woman, I'd rather buy a dog.

Clay said...

Tomaisin: Thanks. I try to approach these discussions with a bit of rational thinking and as much truth as I think people will tolerate.

I agree completely with your statement about wanting to find someone who DESERVES to share your life. I expect no less of others than I am willing to offer myself. Sadly, this is an ethos which I often find lacking (in both genders). Not a whole lot of opportunities left for us idealists, I guess. :-)

Anonymous said...

This is just too messed up. Why cant we go back to dating, the first kiss, falling in love and leave out this crap. No wonder we are all sitting at home on our wireless laptops having this conversation online. We are sad. And that means me too.

Anonymous said...

yes

Anonymous said...

Fewer women are married because other men see what happens to guys like me. I played the nice guy role ... got my wife the big diamond, paid for the whole wedding and honeymoon, got her a good car, provided financial support so she could stay at home (no kids), bought a house, timeshares, etc. Now the marriage is ending due to "personality conflicts" and I'm getting juiced. If I were single looking at me, I'd be afraid; very afraid. I have a very different view about marriage now.

Anonymous said...

I think this article proves women are just getting smarter, stronger and more independent. I too have dedicated too many years to the wrong relationships and have now been single for the past 7 yrs. I made a promise to myself to be more selective the next time around and if that means being single for the rest of my life instead of settling, so be it.

Anonymous said...

this is soooo stupid...

the reason men act the way they do it because.... DRUM ROLL.... IT WORKS!!

if tomorrow all women decided they would value nice looking, polite, groomed, artculate, honest men and COMPLETELY rejected the raggamuffins, scrubs, corn-row, jive talking, fools, then men's behavior would change... overnight!

the mission of a man (and I am one) is to get laid. PERIOD.

men do nearly everything and act a certain way to help them reach that goal.

this is all as much women's faults as it is mens....

change what works for men and they will change...

Clay said...

"Fewer women are married because other men see what happens to guys like me. I played the nice guy role ... got my wife the big diamond, paid for the whole wedding and honeymoon, got her a good car, provided financial support so she could stay at home (no kids), bought a house, timeshares, etc. Now the marriage is ending due to "personality conflicts" and I'm getting juiced. If I were single looking at me, I'd be afraid; very afraid. I have a very different view about marriage now."

There is certainly some validity to this complaint. I've never been married, but if I ever do find a woman who wants to marry me as much as I want to marry her, you can safely assume there will be a prenup involved to protect BOTH of our interests should circumstances change irrevocably for the worse. There are plenty of marriages where this sort of thing DOESN'T happen, but sadly too many where it does... it should make people approach the whole marriage thing with due caution and respect, but this is not always the case.

Sorry to hear you're getting screwed over... that shouldn't happen, especially with no kids.

Back on topic, though: It's absolutely true that more women are not getting married, for various reasons, including wanting to focus on their careers, not wanting to settle for just any guy, not being pressured by society, etc. As long as this makes them happy, I can't fault them for making this decision, even if it does make it harder for a lot of us men to find someone worth finding.

Anonymous said...

Don't leave out that most men (though they would never say it) don't want kids (and also don't want to date women with kids) and only agree to it to keep the peace in the marriage or relationship. I am so glad I waited until I was 32 to get married. We've been married almost 9 years now and couldn't be happier. Women, maybe you would be married by now if you didn't have the "kid baggage" and didn't insist on the man having kids when he doesn't want them. Harsh, I know, but true.

Tonya said...

I think the problem with black men today is they want to be the "head" of the household but they don't know how. They've been brought up by mothers who have spoiled them and rewarded them for their misdeeds (such as not taking care of their children.) We, as women, want men to be this perfect person that we're looking for when no body is perfect. But we also have to stop making excuses for our men. A man's character says a lot about how he is going to treat you. And you also have to be whatever it is you are looking for. If I want an honest, mature man who is serious about himself and his relationship then I need to be that also. So the focus is not so much on the man, but on me and taking care of me, and that right man will come along.

Anonymous said...

Wow...this conversation is very interesting. It's a combination of things. Women need to take some responsibility and get our lives together. A man can't make us feel good about ourselves and he can't love you, if you don't love yourself. Be who you are and the man you are supposed to be with will come. Don't settle but compromise. Most women are sold on a man by what type of house he has, car he drives, and where he works before you even know this man. There are plenty of good men out there but we need to look closely. Don't settle but compromise. Men...let's get the egos in check. You all can't hold out for the "model chick" because everyone is not and never will be her. Get real with yourself and get real with your expectations. Don't settle but compromise. We all need to do a little compromising on things but not values.